Most Common Questions About Sex:

Sexologist Dr Ashok Rughani reveals the answers to your most intimate questions and shows you how to spice up your sex life.

People who have learned that I am a Sexologist have tons of questions for me. Some just want to hear more about what I do, but most are concerned with very specific issues-things that have been wondering about but haven’t felt comfortable asking . I am happy to answer. Not only does it keep life interesting, but it also fits my mission: reminding people that honest, authentic, and straightforward communication about sex is vital for healthy relationship. Here are questions women most often ask.

Am I normal?

People want to know that their drives, responses, fantasies, or bodies are not somehow weird- probably because so many of you learned as kids that sex is dirty and bodily needs should not be discussed. As adults, you crave assurance that you are OK. The answer is yes- of course you are normal! As long as your sex life is not harming anyone and you are safe, there is no reason to be concerned about the shape of your desires, or your genitals. “Normal” encompasses a broad range of behaviors and bodies. You do not have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about uninhibitedly enjoying and exploring your sexuality. Sometimes I sense that the unspoken question is really ‘My sex life is unfulfilling: is that normal? It’s certainly common, a sad reality for many. I believe this is because most women do not know how to ask for what they want in the bedroom. Some are not sure what they want. Accepting yourself as normal, with a right to an uninhibited sexual self, will start you moving toward the sex life of your dreams.

How often do Most People Have Sex? 

The fear, that everyone else out there is having way more sex than you are. Relax, research has shown that most married couples have sex once or twice a week, provided illness, pregnancy, travel, or a major issue like financial stress does not get in the way. For new couples, sex happens more often, but the frequency will gradually decrease over time.

How do I Tell My Husband What I need in Bed?

Your partner or husband is not a mind reader, so you have to speak up and be clear about what you want. Be honest. You might say something like, “ I love having sex with you.” That’s why I want to try a new position, have you touch me there, etc. or try your request as a compliment. If you would like more foreplay, for example, you might say, “ Honey, I was so turned on last night; I love it when you take your time with me before sex. It shows how much you care about my pleasure , and it felt amazing.” Your partner will be offering more foreplay than you can handle! Can we slow down a minute? Can you do that thing with your tongue again? This feels good!

Sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all; you can guide him by gently lifting your hips or moving your body in a way that works for you. You can also moan to give him added information so he knows.

I have Lost My Sex Drive! Why?

Lack of libido is a very common problem as women get older and experience the hormonal changes of menopause, but it can happen at any age. Fluctuating hormone levels can contribute, but so can stress at home or at work, medications (some antidepressants and birth control pills have been linked to lowered sex drive), poor physical fitness, and lack of sleep or rest. If you have lost interest in sex, first check physical factors. Visit your doctor for a general check up and tests that will detect hormonal levels. Consider whether low libido may be side effects of medications, and make sure you are getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating healthy. Then look at your stress level. Finally, take for the pleasure that can reconnect you with your inner vixen; a hot bath, a spa day, time with friends, date night with your husband. Finally seek help from a qualified Sexologist.

How Do I Tell My Partner About My Fantasies?

Sharing fantasies with your partner can be intimidating, especially if you have never done it before. Simply the process by creating a “Fantasy file” and keeping it in your bedroom. You and your partner can each write down a couple of fantasies on separate slips of paper, and stick them in a folder. Many couples I have worked with have used this strategy successfully.

How Do We Make Time for Sex?

It is common for busy couples to miss out on sex because they are overbooked, overtired or overburdened. But it is essential that you devote time to your marriage, no matter how busy you are. Your marriage is the cornerstone of your family. Make your relationship and your sex life a priority. If you don’t schedule time together, it just won’t happen.

We’re Stuck in a Sexual Rut. How Do We Rev Things Up?

Long-term couples often find that their sex lives become a bit boring. That can definitely change- but you have to work to keep things exciting and fresh. Small alterations in routine can have big payoffs. Initiate sex at a time that’s unusual for you- say, when he walks in the door from work. Introduce a new move in the bedroom. Or just give your spouse a long, passionate kiss when he least expect it.

My Husband / I Cheated. How Do We Get Past it?

It is possible to repair after an affair. First, the partner who cheated must cut off all communication with the ex-lover, and make it clear that he or she is recommitting to the marriage. The unfaithful spouse should be 100 % honest about the affair, but refrain from giving too many details. Therapy is important; a couple’s counselor can help you find out what led to the infidelity and how to rebuild the relationship. Outside of the therapy session, the injured party should get to vent, rant or cry for 10 minutes a day, and the unfaithful spouse must listen and accept the hurt he or she has caused. Limiting these venting sessions to 10 minutes  a day preempts constant fighting about the subject and allows a couple to focus on rebuilding . I have seen this technique work over a six month period or less: the more the wounded spouses allow themselves to feel and express their hurt, and the more they feel validated and heard, the lighter the emotional burden becomes, and moving on seems possible.